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It wasn't a 4-bus long trip, luckily. Only two, and we got there in less than an hour.

I might have to do that more often.

I think I`m the only teenager that reads Jackie Collins books. They're usually geared towards the middle-aged, but they're fucking great. Everyone should read American Star at least once. I read it went I was 12, lmfao.

Anywho, I had a fairly nice day. Mom & I didn't argue. Brandon's over: he came to the library with me, because I didn't want to catch all of those buses by myself.

I feel happier.

Yaaaay, right?

I do have a bangin` ass headache, though. Too much Burger King'll do that shit to you, =\.

I thought about catching up on my birth control, but then I decided against it. that would mean a double dose of the shit, & I really don't want to do that. Hallelujah for me going back to the damn doctor in July. I`m almost certain my gyno is trying to kill me with all of these pills that make me want to kill myself. MEH.

July is going to be fun. There will be a lot of activities. ^_^ Wheeee. I go up to MSU then, too. Twice. ^_^. My AOP is on the 7th, & I`m nervous as hellllll... Idk what to expect, but everyone else said that they freakin` loved their day up there, and didn't wanna go home. I'm just nervous. I`m not sure if people will like me, or what.. Lol. Then I go to MAGIC for a week. 19th-24th. ^_^. I`m really excited about that, although not really because those dorms don't have air. Well eff my life.. Lol.

I`m just really excited for the fall. I`m just ready to be a nurse, already. Lol. I want to see the moneyyyyy. I want to be an adult, maaaan. Graduating from high school made me feel no different, actually. I`m doing the same shit I was doing in high school. I`m actually milder than I was in 9th grade! Meh.

I should reeeeeeallly stop rambling, lol.

----

yaay, I can blog from Safari now. I couldn't with 4 Beta, but today I finally decided not to be a lazeass and update it.

Whee.

I`m taking a 4-bus trip to the main branch library tomorrow. Yes. The bus. Bwahahaha. This shall be interesting. It's going to take forever, so I guess I have to charge my iPod.

I`m taking a vow of celibacy, that should last the whole summer. Let's see how this works out.

I got new contacts today. That cheered me up a little bit.

Our little adventure in 18 days should be fun. That is, if we still go.

I wish I could get out of this funk I`m in. I`m not even sure what's causing it.

meh meh meh meh meh! =\.

I just really want to go off to school now. Like, even more than ever. I need to busy myself.

The worst moment of my life was walking across the stage and hearing you gloating, yelling "that's my baby," as if you molded me or something. THAT'S what made me tear up that day, you false claiming me. I'm called a Smith ONLY when I do something right, and never as a whole..

I`m trying to figure out why I`m so pressed about him not answering his phone today..
=\.
I don't understand why I keep letting this man hurt my feelings.

Although I got most of my hateful feelings out in that message, I still feel the need to strangle her for more information. WHY DINO, THOUGH?! FUCK SOME OTHER GUY, DAMN. Singlehandedly, she (well, they) ruined my perception of how I thought life was going to be: WITH Dino & several children with a house and the white picket fence and whatnot... I see everything without Dino now; the male's face is a blur.
I don't like feeling this way. A part of me deep down still wants to have everything with that knuckle headed boy. Another part of me is just yearning for happiness. I don't think I'll ever be 100% that with Brandon. Anything that we've done in the privacy of a bedroom, I picture him with other girls. It makes me feel insecure and uncertain. What if he does it again? Although he promises he won't, I don't know the validity of those any longer. =\. I just want to be certain about at least ONE thing right about now.

I mean, my night ended smoothly until I saw the bullshit excuses she gave me as to why all of that shit went down.
I have problems, but I`m not fucking every boy I let into my house.
I--okay, let me stop judging her.
I could respect this a shitload more if it WASN'T.HER.
Well, I couldn't.
i don't know.
i`m talking to myself.
i`d much rather this be a dream that I could wake up from.
I would be able to just laugh this shit off.
But, instead, I`m up at 5:20am in tears.
Fuck my life .. ?

---

Haven't updated this shit positively in a while! Well, things are going okay. I`m out of my week-long slump, so that's a start.
Everyone knows I still love D, but we have an understanding. So, yeah. We can drop that for a little bit. ^_^.
I embarrassed the SHIT out of myself in front of R, and I never want to speak to him again, that's how bad it was, lmfao. Ok, well not really, but for me to be an introvert in front of guys, that shit was just not kosher! I`m cringing just thinking about it. BWAH.
Khloe, Siobahn, Tishie, & Kieona are the most unsupportive supportive friends there are. They laughed at me before they decided to help me with my problems. And when I was about to cry they cackled even louder. BUT HEY. I`m just glad I got them fools. Lol.

Hm, this was mildly purposeless, so... I`m just going to finish my Vanilla Coke [that is rare as hell, might I add!] & clean my room!

Au revoir!

Hm. I should join the 'I Fucked Dino' club. The numbers are rising steadily.
Each day I feel as if you never fucking loved me, & that I was just a fucking crutch; someone you KNEW would do anything for you. Fuck that shit.
I've been dry-eyed for three days now. I plan on staying that way. [shrug]

I`m almost certain I hate myself.
I fuck everything up.
I apologize for everything.





I`m a fucking mess. A fucking mess that doesn't deserve to be loved; who doesn't even deserve to be on this earth right now.