I can't get no ...

Satisfaction..

I`m in the library today. My research paper is due sooner than I thought. Gaaah, I am beyond stressed. The yearbook is due on April 8th and you wanna know how many pages are COMPLETELY completed?! I`m going to say 7. 7 out of 100 pages are finished. I am just going to CRY. I am so overwhelmed. It feels as if I`m carrying everyone's weight in that class. And to top it off I had to skip French in order to finish my purses for Stitchery. [facepalm] I`m ready for the weekend already, and it's only Tuesday.

Speaking of the weekend, I`m skipping out on Renny's Grammy's to have a movie night with V. I`m excited! Now he can finally see Baby Mama. You know, he's really effin` cool. It's taking every fiber out of my being to not just .. fall for him. I`m still in love with Brandon but ... Damn. He makes it really hard, you know? I don't see me being with anyone right now anyways so it doesn't matter how I feel!

This library is an interesting place. I didn't know it had wi-fi, which is how I`m able to type on this here computer! ^_^. A cute guy just helped me plug in my cord to charge my lappy. ^_^.
Today is a semi-good, day.

I need to take down my hair.
I need to look pretty. Lol.

Ok, time to actually start on either these yearbook pages or this research paper... I`m not looking forward to ANY of this. =\

& so it is..

Compare yourself now to the person you were before you had sex.
you're different, correct?
Yeah.




Yeah.

Experience My ..

If I could live in a song, I'd reside in Trilogy by Kelis. That song makes me happy for really random reasons.

I turned a bad day into a good one today. I wasn't planning on leaving the house today because of my hair and my increasingly intolerable face [... internal battle] but I decided to actually be a good student and go to the library. Got some books about Assisted Suicide for my research paper, too! & I went to my cousin's birthday dinner. Pretty ace. I realized how much I missed my cousins today. I`m not even sure what happened to us. Eh. Family.

Grammy's was yesterday. I won Class Smile by a landslide. ^_^. I was preggo-M.I.A. No one on da cornah has swaggah like moi. Whoa, where'd that come from? Lmfao.

It's just me and Kingie tonight. He is the devil reincarnated lately. Tearing shit up and whatnot...

It feels like bugs are crawling on me. Eeks.

I`m about to get a little personal, lol. But almost every night I`ve had the dream that someone rapes me. Each time it's someone new. The first night it was my physician. He had me undress because he had to do a breast exam, and he was being really rough with me. He bent me over a table and ... ya' know .. There was more but .. eh. & every night it is someone new. It ranges from close friends to distant friends and once even my mailman. I need a dream interpreter, 'cause that shit is not fun to dream.

I'm about ready to dye my hair a crazy color. I'm trying to decide if I want to do it now, or wait until after prom. I don't think it'll be wise to have bubblegum pink hair in all of my pictures. I need advice.

homework/bed may be calling me.

I wish it didn't get like this when I try to call you, lol.

Daddy better have a 6-pack in the cooler.

So, I`m in VA. It's not as bad as I imagined it to be. It isn't bootcamp, although I went without texting for 24 hours. Wasn't that bad.

We went to an ace Irish Festival, to a park with grizzlies and bald eagles, and then to B dubs. B Dubs is great if you don't get traditional wings. yech.

I`m thinking about picking up the bagpipe. ^_^

Y'know, coming here has indeed been like rehab, like V said, lol. You have a shit-load of time to think, instead of acting impulsively. I feel so relaxed and certain about my choices, especially dealing with the relationship ones. I don't think it's wise to be back with B at the moment. No, it isn't because of the way I feel about someone else. It's because actions ... happened that I can't necessarily forgive at the moment. Granted, we were having problems at that moment, but if you love me so much, whatever happened between one and that girl should've been the furthest from your mind. Eh. I`m not dwelling, lol.

Ahhhveyyy Mahreeeeyaahh.

Going back to school is going to be stupid, I bet.

Ooh, Chilee.

I have to sing that to myself because no one else will, lol.

I could totally understand if you didn't text me every hour since you've been up there. I could totally understand MORE if those texts weren't filled with 'I <3 you's and the 'I miss you's & 'you've been on my mind since I've been I've been here's.
I WOULD totally understand.
But, since those happened, I can't. How could you POSSIBLY miss me, or want to be with me when you're hugged up on some other bitch? Were you thinking of me when you jumped in the shower with her, prepared to do what I never would?

I guess I deserve this, hm.
I`m going to sleep. I have a plane to catch in the mawnin.

Brandon is in Kalamazoo.
I got suspended from school, so I`m going to Virginia until Thursday.
Meh!

Cry.

It's just me and King again. Brandon left last night. I'm not even sure how to feel about that! It's like, we do need time apart, but I really hate being by myself. That's why I feel so selfish in this situation, and I`m not sure how to fix it. It's all really hard to understand, even to myself.
I love Brandon, but I just don't know about a relationship with him right now. I'm not even going to lie, things were back on track between us before V came into the picture. Everyone--including my mother-- claims that I'm blinded by his money. It's definitely not that, it's just that I've been hit with a bout of nostalgia. Before I met Brandon, I was involved with V, from practically ninth grade to eleventh. When I met Brandon V and I's relationship [even friendship-wise] went to hell. First, I just really missed his friendship so we talked a lot more and Brandon got really irritable about that, claiming that he's my new boyfriend and whatnot. India began to wonder.. It's not like I wanna be with V forever but it would be nice to know ... I can't explain it. that sounds really bad. Well anywho, I believe I liked V a total of two days before I thought it was just overrated but then I began to just feel smothered by the thought of a relationship, so I asked Brandon for time by my lonesome. That brought on many days of fights.
Am I wrong for wanting time to see what I want? I understand that 14 months into a relationship is a terrible time to soul search, but I don't want to go any further blindly. My thoughts are coming out jumbled. =(
Anyways, I believe I`m on punishment, now that Brandon's gone. When we dropped him off my mom told me that I cannot leave this house or have guests. & then she told me how cold hearted I was and how she doesn't understand how I operate ... it was a lot of things. I`m trying to figure out in what country is that acceptable to tell your child. Eh. I guess I am cold hearted... I've stopped caring about most things.

I just reeeealllly need to get to Michigan State before I lose my mind here.

Me back.

Got tired of Wordpress, once more. It's still there, but I missed Blogspot.